Tonight was our last night in our leadership course. Some of my classmates were not happy with the course and with how the teacher handled things. I on the other hand had a great experience and learned a lot about myself and about how to be a better expressive arts practitioner. I also noticed that the people who were unhappy did not participate, they had the opportunity to do one-on-one work with the “expert” and they did not take the offer.
So my question is, was their dissatisfaction with the class really their demons asking for some attention? My “ship” has been on a course as of late of taking responsibility. I have learned that if I take responsibility, then I have the opportunity to learn and grow. If I don’t take responsibility I blame someone else and never get to the learning. So then my demon has to whack me over the head again, and again….
At one point in the course I too was disappointed. I had signed up for this incredibly expensive-need-to-travel-all-the-way-to-Switzerland training because of what I had heard happened in this very course that I was taking, and it wasn’t happening, he was doing it different! Was it my demon that haunted me? Disguised in disappointment? Anyone who knows me well probably knows what my next move was…I went and talked to my teacher. I told him the story that I was carrying resentment around. He looked at me with his all loving, all accepting eyes and laughed, saying, “Oh Tish.” That was all I remembered him saying. He may have said more, but that is what I remember. Those words and the look in his eyes like I had forgotten who he was. I looked back at him and said, “Okay, I will try to trust you.”
By the end of the day, I went to him and said, “Okay, I trust you, at least 99 percent.” He had one session with a student that was so brilliant that it was all I needed. Anything after would be icing on the cake.
Today he worked with me for five minutes and I was able to take something that I have been working on for at least a year and get resolution. In the review of my short session he thanked me for talking to him the day before. That it had changed the course of his actions, because of mine.
So I sit back and evaluate the course with as unjudgemental an eye as possible. I see that if I had not talked to the teacher when I was unhappy, this “thing” would have been between us and he would not have even known it. Oh, how unfair that would have been! My new moto is: “life is to friggin short.” I cannot hold back any longer, out of fear. I must speak the truth of who I am. Some of my classmates are taking their grief and resentment to bed with them tonight. And it may be because I asked for what I wanted and they didn’t. I have no regrets.
So I end this story in gratitude. I thank all the stars that have lined up to make me the fabulous person that I feel I am today. I feel my mother and my father standing beside me as I write tonight. What I have accomplished in “standing in the truth of who I am” has affected them as well. We stand united in their past, my present and our future. I am blessed. They are blessed. Life is as it should be. I cry. Tears stream down my face. They are tears so perfectly blended with joy and grief that I feel more alive than ever. I am alive! I am absolutely, without a doubt, willing to "stand in the truth of who I am". What ever happens from here is a surprise.
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