Arriving Home

After over a month of voluntary exhile, I am home. I am grateful that I have the choice to come back home. Grateful for my "Cadillac" of a bed, cozy and kind to my body. Grateful for the perfect cup of coffee that I can make in the morning just the way I like it, the kitties that meow me into my day, my friends who have greeted me with love, gifts of flowers, kind notes and interest in my journey. My blessings are huge.

Countering the settling into the comfort of what I call home is the discomfort of the life I have returned to. It may just be jet lag hanging on. (Still getting tired and turning in early, early for me.) My brain seems to have jumped plane somewhere over the Atlantic, parachuting to an undiscovered island, and insisting on staying in exhile. Today, Friday, is the first day that I have felt that I have enough thought cells to even begin a blog entry, and I arrived home on Monday.

Having made this trek 5 times now, I do have familiarity with the re-entry. Yet when I am in it, I seem to forget. So I am grateful to be taking this moment to reflect so that I can remember what I have experienced in the past. The feeling of coming home and my life not fitting the same as it did. The feeling that I have grown and am unsure how to fit my larger life in my one size smaller template. Making room for myself, stretching, pushing up against the previously built walls is not easy. The walls are made of plaster and have been here for many years. Each year remodeling adds space, and once again I need to get out the jack hammer and begin the demolition stage so that the new construction can begin. I would say that there is an additional factor this year. For the last five months I threw myself so fully into expressive arts, from my three month opportunity to serve at the Monarch School to my doctoral studies and my private practice work and then my full immersion into my Swiss summer studies. And now I have returned and my calendar is empty! Granted, I purposely kept things off my schedule for the re-entry. Yet I can see how having something to come back to would have been helpful.

I am trusting that by next week I will have re-united with my thinking brain. (Just writing this blog has me hopeful!) And ready to begin the demo and construction. In the mean time, I need to offer myself the two day of vacation that I have left, to enjoy them rather than stress about what isn't. Thank you all for taking the time to follow my musings, and for your feedback. The jury is still out for me on the need for humans to be heard and responded to, yet I am clear, that for myself, right now, being heard and responded to by the ones I love most is very important, and very appreciated. I hope I can offer you the same gift.

Check back, there may be more stories coming, like the "severe thunder and lightning storm" my brother and I got caught in and the high school reunion musings. I would like to continue the writing practice that this was intended to kick start....

Many thanks!
Tish

Ohio and Jello

Hiking with brother, Gregg, just before getting caught in a SEVERE thunder storm...

very exciting!

I arrived in Ohio on Monday evening and except for two mornings waking up with NEW ideas for my dissertation (not necessarilly good ideas, not necessarilly ideas that even made sense once I wrote them down, but I did write them down...)my brain has gratefully turned to jello. Red, fruity, wiggly,fun. The thinking mode has been demoted from "intelligent and exciting" to "reach into the memory banks for laughable moments and is it time for bed yet?" mode.

Maybe that is part of "going home." When I was traveling here I felt some sadness that going to Ohio is different now. Home belongs to a new young family, my childhood bed is someone elses childhood bed or at the bottom of a land fill. My brother lives in a new home in a different city. There is no going back.

For over 20 years after moving away, "going home" meant re-entering a world I left, with minimal change. There was a security, a settling, a being taken care of, that would happen when I would walk through the door. For my stay, my parents were in charge again, I would have no responsibilities except to help around the house if I wanted to. I felt like a child, in a good way, safe and being taken care of. Many of my visits through those years were not so easy. Before I had done the work on my childhood dissapointments and disfunction, it wasn't so great. But once I had done that work, Home became a harbor to dock my boat when the oceans were a little too rough. When my navigation system was out and I needed to map a new course for my life. I have continued to call it "home" even though I moved away in 1981. Even after the death of my parents and the sale of their house. Last week when someone asked me if I was traveling after school, I said, "I am going back Home to visit my brother in Ohio, before I go home." Even though I didn't know what this Home would look like.

Now that I am here, I totally get it. Connecting to my brother, telling the old stories, the new stories. Spending the day with my dad's sister, my Aunt Marlene; my dad's cousin, Dolly; my cousin Lynne who I have known my whole life. Filling in our lives, referring back to old memories, wondering about what was next. Laughing a lot, not just a little, but a LOT. That is going home. I forget when I leave, and when I return, I remember. Family is important to me. To be with people who have known me my whole life. To be with people who knew my father his whole life. Though those numbers are getting smaller, they are still there. And I learned about cousins that I had not seen since I was a child. That are my age, with children Shea's age...People with similar blood, similar lineages. I leave "going home" almost always promising to do better to keep in touch with my family. Once I get home, my life seduces me and the promise gets further from my heart. I have gotten better though. I do call my brother regularly, and since her husband (my Uncle Jerry) died a couple years ago, I email and send cards to Aunt Marlene on occassion. I can do better. I will do better. Ask me how I am doing. Help keep me on track if you think of it. I want to stay connected to this feeling of connection to something greater than myself, the "going home" connection.

More will be revealed. Tonight I visit high school friends. I don't have the same warm feelings about going there...I would like to make friends with that part of my life...stay tuned!

Heading down the hill today...

Heading down the hill (the Alps) today. Mixed feelings about it all. Ready to go and live this bigger life that I feel like I have grown into and will miss my Saas Fee "family."

Last night was a student performance which was a moving and hillarious way to end our time here. I did an improv piece about being improvisational, I had a GREAT time! Paolo gave me a rave review, which was very fun. Though he is 76, he looks like he is seven when he is excited.

Next stop will be Zurich and then Ohio. Not sure how much internet access I will have after this. So if I don't post a daily blog, I will when I get back. My plane lands in San Diego the evening on the 14th. I will have my cell phone in Ohio, so feel free to call. It often doesn't ring while I am there but goes to voice mail. I will call you back. (You can still email me though, I will be able to check emails at least on my brother's computer.)

Thanks for listening these past three weeks. This process has been very important to me. I have learned a lot about myself, the world I live in and my relationships by doing this. I am hoping that it has kick started my daily writing practice that I have been wanting to start.

Much love,
Tish

It was on July 4th

This July 4th I feel on shaky ground with my country. I got my fellow classmates attention at dinner with a clink on my water glass. I raised my wine glass for more of a prayer than a toast. Honoring that it was the Independence day of my country, yet I feel less independent than ever. I feel shame and embarrassment for the way that my country is being lead. I offered a prayer that we will not chose war again, that maybe Obama is a glimmer of hope.

There was a time when I would fly my flag on July 4th. That has not happened in many years. Four out of five of my last Independence day celebrations were spent here in Europe. With people from around the world. Seeing our country through their eyes. I don't know where I am going with this, except to say that my heart is heavy as I hear news about a possible attack on Iraq. I want to feel empowered to make change, yet I feel powerless. I want to feel hope for the future, yet I don't want to be let down. And then, if I don't do my best, how will I be able to look at myself in the mirror? Is there power in being willing to do all I can despite the threat of disappointment? Am I willing to give my best, knowing that it could end in hurt? I have spent the last 3 weeks looking at suffering and hopelessness. Is Hope a verb? Does it need action attached to it in order to make it real?

I think for me it does. I am willing to give it a try. To come out of my own political apathy of sorts to see, can little ole me make a difference. And maybe the only difference will be within myself, and that I think will be worth it.

So I commit today to getting on board to make a difference. There was hope in the room when I offered the prayer/toast. Most of the people around the table were from other countries, I was the minority and when I looked around I saw hope in their eyes. Yes we may have had a bit to drink by then, or maybe it was a wish for hope rather than hope itself. I will take it for what it offers me, the momentum to get involved in a bigger way than I have. That is my prayer.

The peaks were showing today!

Tonight we went out to eat to celebrate the end of our summer school. Had a great time! The wine was poured liberally, free schnopps on the house to help digest the fondue cheese rocks in some people's stomach. We suggested they have a CAGS 3 next year so that we could all come back together! We have become a close bunch.

Today was the first day that I could see the saw like peaks on the mountain, so I snapped the above shot. Every day that right part of the mountains has had a cloud on it. This is an amazing place, feels like I am living in a postcard.

Wind up classes on Saturday and then I head out on Sunday afternoon. Spend the night in Zurich and then a Monday morning flight to Ohio. Looking forward to seeing my brother. And my high school friends for our 50th birthday bash. Will visit my parents too. There tiny plot of land... Looking forward to it AND looking forward to getting home. I miss Shea a lot. It has been good video chatting with him, yet it is not the same as the real boy.

All right, it is after midnight, I am turning into a pumpkin. time to shloft goud.

Graduation Night!

Graduation was a blast! We had a great time. The speeches were even tolerable! Then wine and appetizers, the best clown show yet, and then a great dinner with some of the best wine I have had. It was a wine that Paolo had talked about on our excursion. Roman grapes that had died out and then they found some surviving here in Switzerland. It was the first good Swiss wine I have had in the 5 years I have been coming here! Good conversation and lots of toasting and laughing. I will miss everyone when we go our separate ways. I hope we can keep in touch!

The photos are backward...#3, Swissy kisses with Paolo; #2 With my Diploma, wine and bread; #1 After the ceremony with my wine and bread. (Special EGS wine and bread made in this region only...)

Though our class graduated, we still have a few more days of classes. Starting at 9:30 tomorrow morning so I am going to take this celebratory head and lay it to rest! GIANT THANKS to everyone who supported me along this path, I am VERY grateful!

Love

Tish

Good Night from Saas Fee

I am done! Gave my presentation on my dissertation idea today. Got some great feedback from my teachers and colleagues. And totally loved the creative process of putting it together. Now I get to sit back and relax and just give feedback (The quality of the feedback in my group is exceptional!). Graduation is tomorrow (Thursday) though our class continues until Sunday (we need more credits than the Masters group). So, while you are all snoozing away, I may be snoozing through some speeches, yet wildly happy on the inside! This has been a great next step for me. I am grateful that I have had the resources to do it. After graduation is a dinner. It will be fun to get dressed up after wearing the same clothes every day. Thinking about leaving I start getting sad. My class feels like my family. And my teachers too. I can remember the first time I talked to Paolo Knill and was so nervous (5 years ago.) I felt like I could not speak anything intelligible. Today, I love talking to him, disagreeing, agreeing, challenging him, supporting him. Ahhh, life is good.

Must get to bed so my eyes aren't as red as the outfit I will wear tomorrow at graduation! Will post photos if I can.

7- 2-08 As you sleep

As you sleep, I am alive with ideas and in the creative process of connecting the dots between one idea and another. I love thinking about you sleeping while I am on the other side of the world engaged so vibrantly in life! Your rest feeds me, maybe my excitement feeds you too. Maybe your dreams tonight are vivid or chaotic. Maybe now at just past 3:00 a.m. your time, you wake, not knowing why. Maybe it is because I am thinking about you, maybe it is because you are restless, maybe it is because you need to go to the bathroom!

Today I present my idea for my dissertation to my class and my teachers. I am excited. I am ready. I love my idea AND it all may change!

Pink Snow

I can't take much time to write tonight because I must get to bed early. Yet I wanted to stay in touch. I am not sure if you will be able to tell from this photo, but the snow on the top of the mountain (in the center of the photo) has a slight pink shade to it. It is very obvious in real life. I have been told by many people that it is because sand has blown in from the Sahara Desert! Isn't that wild! I took this photo yesterday when the clouds were low and it seemed even more obvious. (If you double click on the photo it should enlarge it.)

So here is the question of the day, is it okay to eat pink snow?